Carrington, Manchester: Ronaldo OUT! Rooney OUT! Vidic OUT! - Stevens IN! Harvey IN! Martin IN!
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson faced the wrath of 3 north east football teams today after he announced his team to face relegation threatened Hull City this weekend, 3 days before United appear in a Champions League final with Barcelona.
The north eastern clubs, Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesbrough, also in the relegation dogfight, had threatened to sue United if they fielded a weaker team against Hull. If Hull beat United it could send any one of them down a division and keep Hull up.
But Ferguson went one better and stuck two fingers up to the geordies, mackems and smoggies by naming an unknown eleven, made up entirely from his backroom staff.
"That bloody bunch of whining, whinging god forsaken no hope losing tosspots can go screw themselves. I'll play who I want."
His team is as follows;
Keeper: Janet Stevens - Ticket Office
Right back: Keith Gordon - Catering manager
Left back: Jim Owen - Web Design
Centre Half: Dave Martin - Community Officer
Centre Half: Margaret O'leary - Bar Staff
Left midfield: Gary Connolly - Junior Groundsman
Centre Midfield: Sarah Jones - Marketing
Right Midfield: Colin Pearson - Car Park Attendant
Left Wing: Martin Smith - Ballboy
Centre Forward: Nigel Peterson - Communications
Right Wing: Karen Harvey - Accountant
Alan Shearer, boss of Newcastle United was disgusted with the news " That friggin red nosed scots git, any team that United put out could beat that shower of shit"
Gareth Southgate, Boro manager holding hands with Chairman Steve Gibson said "Me and my lover Big Boy Stevo are looking into claims that Junior Groundsman Gary Connolly was signed by United From Heaton Park Golf Club, which breaches Premier league rules about third party ownership"
Meanwhile, slow on the upkeep and mild mannered Sunderland boss Ricky Sbragia was more forgiving & said he hoped to sign right wing dynamo Karen Harvey for £6M in the summer.
Hull City manager Phil Brown said "Shit, I've got me work cut out now eh?"