Written by Monkey Woods

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Tuesday, 12 May 2009

image for Alan Shearer Has Orgasm On Touchline
An unshaven Shearer last night

There were scenes of limitless joy at St James Park last night, as Newcastle United emerged victorious from their northeast derby battle with fellow strugglers Middlesbrough, ever-so-slightly easing their relegation woes with 3 much-needed points.

Magpies' boss Alan Shearer reached such a state of elation, that he achieved that little-known state of Football Nirvana, and had a Touchline Orgasm (TO).

The win was almost-entirely down to Shearer's inspired substitutions after he took Michael Owen and Jonas Gutierrez off, and replaced them with Obafemi Martins, the gymnast, and Peter Lovenkrands, who both scored vital goals.

The Toon legend danced up and down the technical area as he fiddled about with himself, eventually raising his eyes to the heavens exhausted, with a huge ecstatic smile across his mug.

Celebrations went on until the early hours of this morning all across Tyneside, and there may be more in store at the weekend, when, if they beat Fulham, they may actually stay in the Premier League, much to everyone's astonishment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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