Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 5 May 2009

image for Lucy Bronze Appears To Monkey Woods In A Dream
If only there'd been two of them!

She was the Woman of the Match yesterday for Sunderland Womens Football Club in their 2-1 FA Cup final defeat to Arsenal ladies, but Lucy Bronze put on an even more stunning performance last night, when appearing to Spoof writer Monkey Woods in a dream.

Bronze, still only 17, totally snuffed-out the threat of England winger Rachel Yankey at Pride Park, but totally lit up the twilight world of the aforementioned daydreamer Woods, who spent a night of tossing and turning - but mostly tossing - as his new-found favourite Sunderland lass took him on a journey of discovery and wonderment on Wearside.

The details of the said dream cannot be discussed here, but readers can rest assured that absolutely nothing dirty happened; Woods, although covered from head to foot in unsightly hair, is much too much of a perfectly respectable gentleman to cynically take advantage of an innocent young girl like Bronze.

Indeed, the pleasure-soaked dream ended with the unlikely pair joining hands and dancing to a chorus of Howay The Lads! sung by 40,000 of the Black Cats' faithful at the Stadium of Light - although it looked more like Roker Park - just before his wife shook him awake and ordered him to go downstairs and make a cup of tea.

Said Woods:

"If anyone has got her phone number, I'd be interested to know it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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