In what will go down as a disastrous week in the history of the City of Southampton, a week which sees the very real possibility of Southampton Football Club fading into extinction, should ballerina Wayne Sleep's rescue package fall through, the Lord Mayor of Southampton, Dursley Slipknot remained defiant and proud in his defence of the city.
"This is a great city to live in," he announced. "And a great city to visit. Fair enough, our football team are going through a bit of a lean spell at the moment, I'll concede that. But I prefer to concentrate on the positives. We're the home port of the QM2. We have the beautiful Fawley oil refinery. And mud flats. And a couple of bridges. Not to mention motorway access..."
"What about the Saints?" a heckler called out.
"There's a Premier League Club just down the road at Portsmouth," the Mayor countered to a chorus of boos. "And we have excellent rail links with London. Football is not the be all and end all of everything. We've got a new Ikea megastore that has freebies and flat pack furniture. Surely that's a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon? Ikea have invested millions in our city..."
At which point the Mayor was whisked off in an armoured car for his own safety.
Ikea would like to point out that they have nothing whatsoever to do with this news item.