Written by matwil
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Sunday, 19 April 2009

image for 'Justice for the 60,000' campaign begins in Liverpool
Any stadium after Scousers visit it

At a huge meeting in Liverpool's Anfield stadium, a new pressure group calling itself 'Justice for the 60,000' was formed, and instantly called for a government enquiry and the release of secret files concerning the infamous first day of the First Battle of the Somme in 1916.

'Justice' chairman Trevor Clever said: 'We're pleased, it's better late than never, we'll be able to see the full picture that's been denied to us for 89 years. It's vital - no joke intended - that these files are released, so we can ghoulishly dwell on the past and feel sorry for ourselves, as if that's going to help anyone.'

'And drag the long-suffering families of the dead back into the media spotlight yet again, to make us, the self-appointed committee and publicity-seekers, seem important.'

The approximately 60,000 casualties died on the first day of the Battle of the Somme, and the total figures for the battle reached 420,000 Commonwealth and 200,000 French soldiers, and many have suggested that the government and its authorities were to blame for the tragedy, one that could have been avoided.

'Let's make no mistake', Mr. Clever said, 'we've gone on about this for 89 years, and will keep going on about it until we get, er, well whatever it is you get when you keep dwelling on the past for no reason. But it makes me - I mean us angry, when a bunch of scallies make out that a few drunken relations dying in some football match is as important as the casualties in the Somme and other battles.'

'Millions of brave soldiers fought the 'war to end all wars' and deserve to be remembered, as every city, town and village in Britain's memorials will testify to. The more Scousers whinge the more the rest of England despises them - if that's possible.'

And South Yorkshire's Chief of Police, Ivor the Truncheon, added: 'Put yourself in any English police force's shoes. Liverpool fans are famous for being unwashed, drunken trouble-makers, nobody wants them to visit, so when they thousands of them started running into the Hillsboroough terracing and ignoring their own safety, we just let them do it - because nobody cares what Scousers do.'

'If they then crushed themselves to death it was their own fault, all stadiums had the same lack of safety then, it's only when Liverpool fans arrived there were any problems. And that's not something you'll hear on News at Ten, but it's what the rest of Britain thinks and knows.'

But when it was pointed out that these remarks were controversial, the Chief merely replied: 'Just think of Heysel Stadium in 1985. The exact same Liverpool fans acting in the exact same way they were acting at Hillsborough, the only difference being that they didn't dare take on English football coppers in Sheffield.'

'And Heysel was another unsafe stadium, one that had survived endless matches - until Liverpool fans arrived. But hey, remember it's somehow the government and the police's fault that they behaved like animals, of course. Like to hear Trevor Clever talk his way out of that!'

Mr. Clever shouted: 'Rubbish! It's just that every time Liverpool fans arrive at unsafe stadiums, deaths follow! A coincidence, honest!' This November, as millions of Britons wear red poppies in memorium of the fallen of World War One, including the 60,000 on the first day of the First Battle of the Somme, many doubt that justice will ever be served to the dead who died for nothing in that war.

However there's a danger that the rest of England will itself declare war on Liverpool if Scousers don't stop going on and on and on - and on - about an accident that was basically the fault of the football fans' misbehaviour, and of human mistakes by the local police.

'And finally', said Sir Trevor McDonald on ITN, 'Liverpool fans find something else to whinge about. Yes, they've finally woken up to the fact that their airport is named after John Lennon, because as soon as he was rich enough he went there to take a plane to America, to get away from Liverpool!' Sir Paul McCartney is already writing a new musical, called 'Hillsborough, The Early Hundred Years With No Problems Until The Reds Hooligans Arrived.'

Please send donations to Turin, home of Juventus. Justice for the 39!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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