Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 18 April 2009

image for Humberside Police Round Up Fat Ladies
Some of those arrested

There was pandemonium in East Yorkshire tonight, when officers of Humberside Police raided various addresses in Hull in a bid to arrest and detain every fat lady in the city to prevent them from singing, after Hull City lost yet again.

The 1-0 loss inflicted upon the Tigers by Sunderland this afternoon leaves them perched precariously in 16th position on 34 points, just three points clear of the relegation places, and with matches against Liverpool, Aston Villa and Manchester United still to come, their outlook is looking decidedly bleak.

Head of Humberside Police, John Crippledick, consulted Hull manager, Phil Brown, and mobilised his officers at around 1710 GMT, when it was clear that any singing by fat ladies could herald the premature end of Hull's first-ever season in the top flight, and send them straight back down to the Championship.

Officers with truncheons drawn, managed to arrest around 350 overweight or plump women who were then taken into custody and tightly gagged with socks.

Brown said later:

"It's not looken' good, but we were tryen' te maxermise our oppachunidiez, by mufflen alluv the fat lasses."

Local hero, Dean Windass, in line to be made Lord Mayor of Hull next year, said:

"It's not ovver till the fat berd sings, izzit?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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