Written by Tess Tickles
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Friday, 17 April 2009

image for Man City Defeated By Hamburgers
Hamburg striker Ivica Olic celebrates after victory.

Manchester City have been knocked out of the UEFA Cup by Hamburgers, which raises serious doubts as to whether Mark Hughes is the right manager for the club.

The UEFA Cup, to be renamed the Ropey League from next season onward, was a high priority for City this year but the defeat last night on aggregate virtually all but ends their season.

On a chilly night at the Eastlands, both sides served up a treat, but it was the Hamburgers, inspired by their Scottish captain Ronald McDonald, who looked most comfortable on the greasy surface and City were playing catch-up when Hamburg scored an early penalty after striker Tomat Onmustarde was sandwiched by Richard Dunnes-Stores and Micah Cliff Richards, although replays showed that the poacher made a meal of it.

There was an extra spice to the game and the Bundesliga outfit were really heating up-Peppers tried an ambitious pass to pick out a hamburger but it was just overcooked, Jack in the box went down claiming a penalty, Tobako Sawse just shot wide of the target, and while a combination between big McDonald, Mayon Nays and Coco Kolela proved to be food and drink for the City defence, the pressure was mounting.

A lot of meaty challenges were contested and Felipe Cackceido almost had a cow when elbowed in the mouth by one of the Hamburgers, but it wasn't spotted.

After the break, City carved up the Hamburgers at will, but the impetus was lost when Dunnes-Stores committed an atrocious tackle on King, flipping him over to leave the Italian official no other option but to send him off.

Hamburg then beefed up their midfield with defensive substitutions and saw out the game to progress to the last four.

Hamburg boss Martin Jol, who admitted he didn't mince his words when grilling his players at half-time, said after the game:

"My players are tough, raw and full of relish. When the chips were down, we came through. We got out of the pickle and I'm proud of them. I thought Barry B. Hugh and big Mac were excellent."

And commented on the all-German clash against Bremen in the semi-finals:

"It's going to be difficult. Out of the frying pan and into the fire huh?"

He also had a dig at his critics.

"They've panned us from day one. But we gave a hell of a performance out there tonight and I hope those idiots were watching."

Editor's note: After receiving several hundred emails deriding the accuracy of this match report, it has been discovered that Miss. Tickles was actually having sexual relations with a German shepherd (whom she met outside the stadium) during the course of this UEFA Cup tie. She has been suspended without pay and will not be involved in the match reporting process again. We apologise for any inconvenience.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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