Written by McKiernan
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Sunday, 12 April 2009

image for Torres Can't Kop A Feel
jelly babies..innocent?no..cos Torres makes them have orgies for cash..cash that he gives himself. that's wrong. Yukkk!

Liverpool superstar Fernando Torres has admitted he doesn't wasn't Liverpool to win the title as it may harm his chances with the gay section of the Kop end.

Speaking outspokenly about the situation Torres (20 something) said "They always want what they can't have. And at the minute that is the Premier League title and my ass and i know it goes hand in hand so I will try my best to keep my ass fresh and vibrant...and Liverpool shite"

Torres has recently admitted his injury problems at the start of the season were him just playing 'hard to get' but he didn't realise that Liverpool fans had 'The brains of a wet digestive' so he is now scoring at will in the hope that male Liverpool fans will want to score with him ,maybe even some called Will.

"Now it's all out there I hope to get a date out of it. I quite like the raggedy Scouse accent. It sounds like a fox being touched up by some phlegm..which i like...cos I'm a big Spanish fruit", said the tiny Spanish fruit.

In a final statement the rosy cheeked superthing said "My goals against Blackburn were irrelevant. I just tried to score as quickly as possible cos I knew Rafa would take me off. Then I got sent to the bench and got to touch Stevie's thigh...ahhh, he said that his wife in comparison was like a fat Scouse hooker"

If you don't know what that is like then just ask Wayne Rooney...or maybe that's a different story!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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