Written by matwil
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Saturday, 11 April 2009

image for Journalists run out of 'Tiger' cliches for headlines

As the final round of the US Masters began today, journalists were panicking as they realised they'd run out of cliched headlines about Tiger Woods.

'The Tiger roars', phrases using the words 'claws', 'paws' and even 'growls' had been used to death, and newspaper men quickly held a meeting in a bar in Augusta to discuss their problem. Daily Hack writer Arnie Schwarzenhoffer said:

'How about 'Tiger tapdances across the 17th green while playing the 'Hallelujah Chorus' on a harmonica'? No, maybe not', and Daily Enquirer reporter Adolf McHimmlerski suggested 'The Tiger is shot by angry villagers after devastating their livestock', which also didn't meet with much enthusiasm.

'Maybe 'The Tiger sulks after not leading the tournament from first to last' would do', Penny O'Henny said, and the BBC's Peter Amiss went for 'Stop, stop, stop, stop, oh dear, Tiger, that's the second time you've been in the water today', which wasn't seen as too inspiring by the other journalists.

Then the barman had a brainwave, and came over to clear away the hundreds of empties on the table. 'Listen, guys, you've gotta get some kickass input into this whole headline thing, quit horsin' about with the animal puns, get on to the 'woods' puns!', which immediately cause every journalist there to order another double each.

'Let's see', Schwarzenhoffer said, 'er - 'Tiger not out of the Woods yet?', if he's just off the lead? Or 'If you go down to the Woods today, you're sure to get a third prize', if he's a runner-up?' ''Woods you Adam and Eve it!' if he wins', said London Evening Standard writer Fred Eel, and 'Woods cut down in the rain' if the weather stops play', he added.

But as expenses accounts were plundered into the evening with no results, one Times journalist said: 'Why not just write 'Tiger Woods wins record fifth Masters' if he wins, and ''Whoever else wins' wins Masters' if it's someone else?', and was promptly sent to Coventry on a Greyhound Bus for suggesting this.

Big wordgame hunters were lurking around Augusta, in case Woods did manage to pull it off after all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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