Written by Earl Grey
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Friday, 10 April 2009

image for Football Clubs Slam Church
Salvation Is Found Elsewhere

Premiership football clubs have slammed the church for organising masses on Sundays, especially on Easter Sunday. Martin O'Neill, manager of Aston Villa, said "We have a big game on Sunday and the local churches are trying to lure our supporters away by offering redemption for all their sins. It's a cheap ploy. We need the support. We need the money."

Church leaders were unrepentant, thus contradicting their own message to sinners everywhere. "We have a business to run. On Easter Sunday the collection plate is full. There is know way we are giving this up" said the Very Reverend John Cole of St Nova in the Mews.

Football clubs are finding it increasingly hard to compete with the demand for religion. Attendances are dwindling, whilst churches are packed with worshippers every Sunday. Some fans are angered by the visit of 'big game' supporters. "When we play Manchester United or Liverpool they all come out, but when it's West Brom they all go back to church" said Brian Cornershop of the fanzine "We're Shit And We Know We Are".

In order to solve the problem the Pope is seeking an audience with Sir Alex Ferguson. It is not certain if the head of the biggest religion in the world will meet with the Pope.

Latest score: St Peter 2 Corinthians 1

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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