Christiano Ronaldo, after months of speculation, has finally confirmed that he is to move away from Manchester United.
Ronaldo has been plying his trade at Old Trafford for 'some' years now, and many people in many places assumed that he would continue to do so for 'some' more.
Alas, they were wrong.
Christiano 'Heydrich' Ronaldo has released a bemusing statement to the press explaining that he was only ever in it for the money, and that an anonymous Prussian billionaire has agreed to pay him a seemingly unmatchable salary to NOT play any more.
Ronaldo has signed a four-year contract with the billionaire and so for the next 48 months will be contractually obliged to do nothing even vaguely football related.
He also, somewhat surprisingly, boasted about being a 'massive fascist' who feels 'completely indifferent about any and all suffering.'
A profoundly depressing day for football.