In a bold attempt to improve its image, Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, yesterday announced that, effective immediately, spitting has been banned from the sport.
"Little old ladies throughout America have long complained about the constant spitting" Mr. Selig explained. Fearing that these elderly spinsters would incite riots and protests at parks across the land, he commissioned a study of the issue. Careful examination of MLB TV broadcasts established that the average game shows closeups of 1311 instances of players letting fly with large and gooey gobs of spit.
In today's first games played under the "No Spitting" rules, players found themselves completely unable to function, as spitting is such a critical part of their playing routines. The MLB Players Union filed an urgent grievance demanding the immediate withdrawal of this "prejudiced" and "elitist" rule, and threatened to go on strike.