Rodney Jumper, fraud investigator, amateur computer geek and A/V guy, stunned the sports world this morning with a video analysis showing that North Carolina cheated in last night's final with Michigan State.
In a prepared statement, Jumper announced, "I started looking at this because it just didn't seem like Michigan State was playing that badly and yet they couldn't seem to catch up to North Carolina. I also noticed that Michigan State's bench riding center kept trying to get Coach's attention to no avail. What was he seeing that I wasn't seeing, I wondered?
"So I got the video feeds from all 13 networks covering the game, synchronized them so I could really see what was going on and was astounded to find out that North Carolina wasn't really making their shots--their center was just slapping the net so it looked like the ball went in! The major networks had to be on this, of course, as well as the camera men and scorekeepers. It was a massive fraud.
"I went over the video feeds with a fine toothed comb and counted that North Carolina only made 10 of their 61 field goal attempts, not 28. The free throws and three-pointers that were counted were all accurate. I guess people pay a lot of attention to those types of shots and North Carolina figured it couldn't get away with manipulating them. This means, of course, that North Carolina only got 53 points not the 89 points shown on the scoreboard. Since Michigan State scored 72 points they are the real winner."
Mr. Jumper wouldn't take any questions, but Michigan State Provost was able to confirm most of the misses by watching the game in slow motion on DVR. "What an outrage," he exclaimed. This has the potential to screw up everybody's office pool. I guess that since everybody expected North Carolina to win, nobody really watched the ball all the way to the hoop."
We also tracked down Michigan State center, who spent most of the game on the bench. "Since I am a center I like to watch the other team's centers to see if I can learn anything. About midway through the first half I noticed the North Carolina center slapping the net every time North Carolina shot the ball. What's he doing? I asked myself. Then it hit me. He was trying to make it look like the ball was going through the hoop! And what's worse--it was working. I tried to tell Coach, but he thought I was trying to harass him just to get into the game. I got to play a whole minute later in the game and I was hoping I could point out to everybody what Ty was doing, but he must have known I was on to him 'cause he didn't try anything while I was out there."
The NCAA has named Michigan State this year's winner and banned North Carolina from future NCAA tournaments. In addition they have caused North Carolina to forfeit all games played in this year's tournament and promised to publish a revised, hypothetical bracket of winners and losers based on a computer simulation. "I never liked having 65 teams anyway," commented the NCAA official.