DETROIT - Chopstick State University, the little college located in Chattahooche, Florida, on the banks of the Apalachicola River has made college basketball history.
The Fighting Egg Rollers, who at the beginning of the NCAA March Madness Basketball Tournament were 100 to 1 underdogs defeated the Michigan State Spartans 87 to 86 to win the 2009 NCAA National Title.
Coach Septimus Bricktop had nothing but the utmost praise for his two best players, 7 foot 7 Darnell Bellflower and 7 foot 6 Angus Tyrone Seedcracker.
A.T. who has a cast on each hand as a result of a tangerine farm accident played the entire game. He said that his biggest problem occured early in the second half when his nose started itching and he could not do anything about it.
Together Bellflower and Seedcracker combined to score 80 of their teams points. Freshman Marcus "Chicken Tenders" Cloverleaf who is only 17-years-old and stands 7 foot 9 added six points.
After the game Cloverleaf announced that prior to the game he had become engaged. When asked who the lucky young gal was he got a little embarrassed and replied, that it was Verushka Petrolavisk, his 42-year-old English Lit professor.
Cloverleaf said that they had been dating since last year's Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.
When Coach Bricktop was asked to comment on the play of his two star players he replied "Holy shiiiiish."
When asked to say something about the fantastic defensive play of "Chicken Tenders" Cloverleaf all the coach could say was, "Holy shiiiiish."
Bellflower was asked what his plans were and he said that he was going to Disneyland. He was then told that 17 of the NBA teams were interested in drafting him. He remarked that it looks like his fried spam sandwich eating days are over.
Michigan State coach Tom Izzo remarked that in his 14-year coaching career he has never seen a more talented, better coached, and taller than heck team.
Izzo said that two of his players took the loss extremely hard. He noted that Goran Suton was so upset that he actually ate his headband. And Kalin Lucas was so depressed and confused that he took a shower in his uniform.
Coach Bricktop took a call from President Barack Obama who is in Turkey trying to secure some more bailout money. The president congratulated his team on their spectacular play.
Bricktop took a deep breath, composed himself, and remarked, "Holy shiiiiish."
Obama asked, "What was that coach?"
"Well, coach, I know you're much too excited to carry on a decent, enlightening, and coherent conversation, so I'll let you go and I'll see you and the Fighting Egg Rollers team back at the White House next week. I'll be barbecuing some fajitas."*
"Back at ya coach."
* Beef skirt steak
In a related story. There's a rumor circulating around that the reason that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up is because Marcus Cloverleaf and Lindsay have been texting each other as much as 28 times a day.