Written by Charles Letterman
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Sunday, 5 April 2009

image for Alan Shearer admits that he's 'A Very Naughty boy'

Alan Shearer, the so called 'saviour of Newcastle' was forced to admit last night that he was "not the messiah, but a very naughty boy."

Speaking after Newcastle's 2-0 defeat to Chelsea, Shearer owned up to a elaborate hoax, after admitting that he couldn't go through with 'the whole crucifixion and rising from the dead thing' due to occur next weekend.

"I really believed that I could make a difference and bring salvation to the city of Newcastle." But after visiting the city's infamous night clubs Saturday night he concluded that he wasn't up to the challenge.

"The things I saw on the pitch against Chelsea and then in the clubs of Newcastle last night made me realise that Newcastle is beyond redemption. Some of the sights are just too horrible for words"

It is believed that Paul Gascoigne is being lined up to replace Shearer, with the lead singer of Lindesfarne as his number two.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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