American President Barack Obama was today appointed manager of Newcastle United F.C.
'People of Newcastle', he said, 'I am honored to be the manager of, let us not forget, what is one of the most admired and supported teams in England. I mean - why aye, man, it's reet good to be here in Geordieland, like. Hey, pet, do ye mind nippin' oot and gettin' me some tabs and a 4-pack of Newkie Broon, for me tea later?' he said to his wife, Michelle, before continuing.
'Ah have absolutely no experience at managing a cloob, but Ah'm a sawta figahheid for the people aroond here, like. And Ah've got plenny experience at wafflin' shite on TV, ye kna'. OK, maybe it were all aboot American politics, but there's nowt mooch difference between politics and the beautiful game, is there?'
'And not much difference between playing as a striker and becoming a manager. That's why almost all decent managers were crap players, and vice versa, though the King of Scotland and England, Kenny Dalglish, were an exception!'
Some have questioned the decision to appoint an American President, one with no idea about management or about anything at all, except for the colour of the Newcastle strip, ironically black and white, but Newcastle footballing legend Alan Shearer disagreed.
'Look', he said, 'if Obama can speak in a Geordie accent and drink Newcastle Brown, he'll do fine at the place, that's all you need to manage the Magpies.' And the President himself said: 'Ah canna wait tae gang an' meet the team, like, though I hope there's no American players in it, cos they'll no' unnerstand a word Ah'm fookin' sayin' in the dressin' room!'
Michelle Obama will be working nights at Newcastle's Gascoigne Whippet pole-dancing club, to bring some extra cash in in case her husband is fired by May. The fog on the Tyne was unavailable for comment.