Written by Earl Grey
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Thursday, 2 April 2009

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"In The Name Of Milburn and of Keegan and of the Holy Shearer..."

Jesus Christ has been give the job of saving Newcastle United from plunging into the pit of Hell (known as the Championship).

In a shock move Newcastle owner Jack Pharisee said "We expect Jesus to be hailed when he arrives at St James' Park. The fans will chant 'Hosanna to the King', 'Hallelujah' and 'Fuck Sunderland'. We expect there to be a complete turnaround in three days."

Jesus was a controversial choice given his lack of managerial experience. He has been a self-employed carpenter, but for the last three years has been delivering sermons on Match of the Day. John 'The Baptist' Motson said "It's certainly the second time a messiah has been employed by Newcastle. Kevin 'God' Keegan attempted to create something special in 7 days, but ran short of parts."

It is thought that Jesus will only stay for three days. At a press conference he said "I will enter St James's Park, break bread with the first team, get crucified by Chelsea, rise from the dead and then ascend to the seat at the right hand of Gary Lineker."

Newcastle followers will deny that they know Jesus following the third goal on Saturday. The sign of the badly defended cross will be a symbol for other fans to identify each other. Alan 'Judas' Hansen will betray Jesus to the authorities by decaring that his defense is appalling.

Jesus said "Forgive me father, because I really don't have a clue what I am doing."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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