Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 28 March 2009

image for Wolves Fans Offered Chance To Meet Mick McCarthy In 'Quit Smoking' Drive
"Congratulations! You are the mother of a bouncing, smoking baby boy!"

Long-suffering fans of one of the Football League's founding members, Wolverhampton Wanderers, are today licking their chapped lips over the mouth-watering opportunity of meeting one of the greatest managers in the club's history - none other than the Barnsley Bumpkin, Mick McCarthy.

Wolves have, in recent times, struggled to find the form of their halcyon days of the 1950s, when they were dubbed by some newspapers as the 'Champions of the World' having beaten some of the day's top European sides.

Since 1984, however, the Molineux club have spent only one season in the top flight, and although they currently top the Championship, they are bound to fluff it sooner or later.

The chance to meet McCarthy is part of a special widely-advertised initiative sponsored by Smokefree, the organisation that helps people give up the filthy habit, and saves their lives into the bargain.

A survey carried out last month has established that 94.3% of people living in the Black Country are smokers, and nearly 95% of Wolves fans smoke more than 20 cigarettes a day.

Smokefree have got together with the club to offer help and advice on how to quit smoking, and have come up with a 3-part win-win offer. The three parts are these:

1) win your health back

2) win Wolves tickets and meet Big Mick

3) save £2000 each year for the rest of your life

Smoking has become such a large problem in the Wolverhampton area during the last 20 years, that Smokefree knows it has its work cut out, but local representative, Nosmo Politan, told us:

"We godda battle on our 'ands, orroight! Everyone loiks the ciggies at Wolves, including the little kids!"

Things have got so bad that, at one local hospital, the New Cross, the maternity unit has an adjoining smokers room for mothers who have just given birth, and, in some cases, newborn babies are given a drag on their first cigarette by doctors puffing madly on their own cancer sticks.

One smoking Wolves fan, Cosmo King, 81, said:

"I loik Big Mick, and free tickets iz grayt, but I ay givin up me fags!"

For smokers who want to give up the nasty habit, or for anyone who might, ludicrously, want to meet the Barnsley Bumpkin, text AID to 07800 000914 or phone 0800 073 4242.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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