This is the incredible view of "Fat Spanish Waiter" Rafael "ranting" Benitez. "Fat" Rafa claims that Dirk Kuyt, the poor Dutch "winger?", has better skill on the ball, is faster and generally better looking than "that midget Messi". "That midget" is actually regarded as the best player in the world right now, alongside Steven Gerrard, and for "Phill Jupitus" Rafa to claim Kuyt, perhaps one of the least talented players ever to have graced the premiership, is somewhat .... genius.
Initially I set about proving why Rafa is wrong, but through my incessant viewing of youtube it was actually me who was proved wrong. Video after video, I started noticing how wonderful Dirk is with the ball at his feet, its almost as though he's got glue on his boots! Wow I was impressed. Next, I actually noticed that he was ridiculously fast. I started to wonder if he could actually beat Usain Bolt... the answer was yes. I need not elaborate as all you "intelligent" readers of the game would already have known.
Dirk Kuyt being a phenomenal footballer is perhaps the best kept secret of the footballing industry, but thanks to Benitez we have finally discovered the truth. Forget about JFK's love children, forget about the Skull and Bones society's gay initiation, forget about Sylvester Stallone doing porn, forget about the Freemasons handshake, forget about Jack Nicholson's "mom" actually being his grandma and his sister actually being his birth mother, forget about the Illuminati's underground meetings, and forget about Winona Ryder actually being blonde.
The best kept secret of them all was Kuyt being the best footballer on the planet. That is until now, for he shall for once in his entire career, be a marked man.