Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: college, NCAA

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

image for March Madness: North Carolina Upset By Chopstick State
The $17 Chalkboard from Office Depot that Coach Bricktop uses to diagram Chopstick State's plays

MEMPHIS - In one of the most astonishing upsets in NCAA history, the highly favored North Carolina Tar Heels have been defeated by the lowly-ranked Chopstick State Fighting Egg Rollers 107-13.

Tar Heel coach Roy Williams was so stunned that he had to be led off the court by a team of four doctors, including a plastic surgeon who kept repeating over and over Chopstick State? Chopstick State?? Chopstick State???

Coach Septimus Bricktop, 42, and only in his second year as head coach of The Fighting Egg Rollers, told ESPN that he kept telling all the sports reporters and tournament writers that he was getting fed up with the way his team was being disrespected by the sports media.

Bricktop was quick to point out that his team really got fired up when Egbert Waxweather of The Cincinnati Crier Chronicle told him in front of his team that instead of participating in the NCAA basketball tournament that they should be participating in Far Eastern cooking events.

He then mentioned that the comb-over headed Warren Pianowood of Sport's Court Weekly Illustrated Magazine had told one of his players, while standing at a bathroom urinal next to him, that the Chopstick boys should be playing in the NCAA girl's tournament where at least they may have a little bit of a chance.

Coach Bricktop said that the player, who he did not wish to name, became so angry that he turned and peed on Pianowood's pants and dress shoes.

The coach smiled as he took a bite from his order of Crab Rangoon and said, "Ladies and gentleman, today, we have showed the basketball world how a little bitty school, located on the banks of the Apalachicola River in Florida, and with a total enrollment of 791 students, can go up to Goliath and kick him where the Tennessee sun don't shine."

The coach remarked that when Goliath hit the floor, you could hear millions of fans from High Point, North Carolina to Three Points, Texas, and from Slam Dunk, Idaho to Free Throw, Florida utter a collective "What???"

Yesterday no one knew where Chattahoochee, Florida was, but today the world of NCAA sports knows that Chattahoochee is located at Latitude 30, 41, 50 North and Longitude 84, 50, 25 West.

Coach "Septy" as his players affectionatley call him said that he was so proud of his team and especially of Darnell Bellflower who only three hours before tipoff had gone in to the Sons of The Pioneers Med Clinic where doctors had performed an emergency tonsillectomy.

Coach Bricktop also had high praise for Angus Tyrone Seedcracker who played with both his hands in a cast as a result of a farming mishap on his grandfather's tangerine farm last week.

And even with both his hands in a cast A.T. still managed to the lead the team in scoring with 61 points.

Freshman starter, 18-year-old Titus Mitkiyashi, whose father is Japanese and whose mother is a native of Iceland, stood out as he managed to hold North Carolina's best player Ty Lawson to only 7 points.

A reporter for CNN said that the Chopstick State mascot "Choppy" even managed to out cheer the Tar Heel mascot, "Footsy."

ESPN announcer Brent Musburger said that he had never seen a team that was more fired up than the Fighting Egg Rollers of Chopstick State. He added that after the game he tried to buy an Egg Rollers pin but there were none to be had.

Darnell Bellflower, who scored 39 points, heard about Musburger's plight and he gave him his own Chopstick State pin.

At the post game press conference, North Carolina Coach Williams was asked, "What happened coach?" and Williams who apparently was still somewhat stunned simply replied, "Waka, wicka, woosssssh."

He was asked by Greg Gumbel to please repeat that and he said, "Hica, weeca, tamala yicka."

Ty Lawson who was standing next to his coach bent down towards the microphones and said that what the coach was trying to say was that the guys from Chopstick State kicked our Tar Heel butts all over the friggin' basketball court.

The fabulously fantastic Fighting Egg Rollers will next play the winner of the Syracuse Orange - Oklahoma Sooners game.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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