Written by QuakAtak
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Tuesday, 24 March 2009

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Theo Walcott has been banned for life from playing football, even for his home town team, after he proved positive for actually being a whippet.

The Arsenal player, who plays unders Terry Henry's old number, is in fact a rare form of whippet. This takes away all mystery surrounding his speed on the pitch and has confirmed many suspicions from fans and team mates. Monsieur Wenger said 'It is no real surprise, I saw him cock his leg on his car wheel'. He went on 'It will be a pity to see him leave, but it was becoming a bit tedious when he needed all the vaccinations before international games, and sometimes he was sedated for the flight, causing a bad performance on the pitch.

His speed on the pitch has been talk of the town, since he moved from his Southampton training to The Emirates and has some blinding goals under his collar. One gutted fan said 'I can't believe it, I'm just distraught, I had his name on the back of my shirt, and my daughter fancied him. I just don't understand how he got so far without no one noticing! I feel let down by the club'. Arsenal themselves have said that they don't do dog tests often but were tipped when someone saw him on visiting a friend at The Blue Cross.

It is said that The Retired Whippet Trust is 'ecstatic' by the news and looks forward to giving him a new home. There spokesperson said 'We have always dreamt of having a celebrity to visit, but we never thought it would be as good as this! We have built an extension onto his kennel so that he still gets the feel of the pitch under his paws.'

Hi Mother, a greyhound cross, was on a walk when we called and unavailable to comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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