Written by matwil
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Monday, 23 March 2009

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Pakistan all out for a duck

It came as no surprise today when all international cricket teams refused to play Pakistan again, until they either provide genuine and decent security at matches, or stop allowing their own people to systematically murder players, while Pakistani police disappear to let them get on with it.

'It's disgraceful', former England captain Ian Botham said, 'and Pakistan is a disgrace. They allowed the Sri Lankans to be attacked, if they didn't actually attack them themselves, the police were nowhere to be seen - what a surprise, they were probably the 'terrorists'. England and other countries once refused to play South Africa until it ended apartheid, at last all international teams are refusing to play Pakistan until it gets its house in order.'

But Premier Gordon Brown was strangely quiet about the boycott. 'Er', he mumbled, 'given that I make statements about everything from Jade Goody to the price of turnips in Ayrshire, you'd think I'd mention part of the British Commonwealth allowing murder and terrorism, if not sponsoring both.'

'And murder of what are after golfers probably the most harmless and decent of sportsmen. Except for the Pakistani ones, of course, it's thanks to their cheating umpires and their bowlers tampering with the ball that neutral umpires had to be used at Test Matches.'

Many were expecting Pakistan to try and play the race card, or even the Islamaphobic one, to try and get round the boycott, but coach of Turkey's little-known national cricket team Abdul Mehmet said: 'I agree with Mr Botham, Pakistan are a disgrace to cricket and a disgrace to the Muslim world.'

'We won't be playing them either. If they let our team get attacked we'd declare war on them, cowards picking on Sri Lankans sums up that miserable, fascist dump, a dump that India must have been glad to get rid of. No wonder most Pakistanis try and emigrate to Britain - I would!'

Apart from providing a few of the world's best cricket players, Pakistan's only other achievement in its history is murdering Mahatma Gandhi - the very man who paved the way for the end of British rule.

Cricket fans are the most easy-going, mild-mannered sports fans in the world, but the Pakistani rulers may not realise the disgust towards their country that such usually non-political fans now have for it. The boycott takes effect as soon as international cricket team managers with a spine read this.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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