Standards of England's sportsmen have fallen so low that the USA yesterday defeated England at football and cricket, and on the same day, and with the same players.
'It was easy', American fast bowler Ellington Duke said, 'we had them all out by lunch, and won by ten wickets. Then we borrowed some portable goalposts, and thrashed their soccer team 7-0! USA! USA!'
From FA headquarters in London, chief executive Graham Kelly said: 'Poor weather ... change of management ... back page hype ... World Cup hysteria ... World War 2 ... 1966 ... 1066 ... Premiership clubs almost entirely using foreign players, as English ones have become so feeble ... passengers like Gerry and Terrard ... and more Russian linesmen needed, please!'
And England Test match general manager Sir B'Hefferting Coybott also said: 'OK, it might look like England were humiliated by a team that can't even play cricket. Er ...but as long as we win The Ashes once every hundred years, who cares? Not me, might as well field a pub darts team against Pakistan and South Africa, except the darts team would be more sober, more sober than Freddie Smirnoff, anyway.'
English football has steadily declined since its national team suffered a humiliating defeat in 1967 against Scotland, a Scotland that were clearly half-drunk and not even trying, and there have been so many embarrassing defeats for their cricket team in recent years it makes you wonder why they don't take up baseball instead.
'Baseball?', Duke scoffed, 'you gotta be kidding! An American schoolgirls' team could beat the English at baseball, and probably beat them at soccer too! Let us do the winning, you Limeys just stick to the excuses for losing, heh heh heh.'
Plans for a UK football team in the next Olympics have had to be shelved, as the organisers couldn't find any English players good enough to make the team. And the ECB is considering only using Welsh cricketers in the summer Ashes against Australia.