Written by Dungeekin
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Monday, 16 March 2009

image for Gazza 'A Zombie'
Gazza drunk (again)

Former football legend and renowned boozehound Paul Gascoigne has revealed that he is now an undead zombie walking the land, following repeated deaths while in rehab for his alcohol problems.

The troubled star, who scored hundreds more pints than he ever did goals, revealed the shocking story in an exclusive interview with Sky News.

According to Gascoigne, his heart stopped three times while in rehab, and on each occasion he was revived by medics, who were unable to declare him legally dead because there was no discernible brain activity whether his heart was beating or not.

A spokesman for the clinic, who asked to remain anonymous, said, "we can only declare someone legally dead when the brain has died. In Paul's case, because he's pretty much been brain-dead since birth, it was not possible to declare him dead. Our local Voodoo Outreach Shaman took a look and declared Paul was a zombie, and we've taken his verdict on trust.

In the interview, Gascoigne was filmed lurching on a beach with his nephews, moaning, "braaaaaaiiiiiins......braiiiiiinnnsssssss". His former wife and punchbag Sheryl commented that the former England star was now much more articulate as a result of him being the living dead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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