Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 16 March 2009

image for Manchester United Helpline Number
"Hello, what was the score, please?"

After Saturday's humiliation at the hands of their arch-rivals and fellow title contenders Liverpool, bosses at Old Trafford have acted swiftly to support grieving Manchester United fans as they struggle to come to terms with United's most embarrassing defeat since 1992.

A special helpline number has been made available for those who find it difficult to cope, and who need friendly advice and counselling about how to deal with the calamity of their loss .

United were soundly beaten 4-1 by the rampant Merseysiders, and, despite manager Sir Alex Ferguson's mad assertion that "we were the better team", the defeat once again opens up the title race.

Hundreds of United fans contacted the club's website after the game to ask just what was going on, and why they hadn't won the game. Many of them admitted to being 'in tears', and even 'close to mental collapse'.

But sports psychologist Donald Skoob, of Salford University of Life, told us:

"Football is a funny old game. There is no longer such a thing as a home banker, not even for the top teams. Get used to it."

The Helpline number, for those who need it, is: 0800 41 41 41

All calls cost £41.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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