The hastily convened press conference in which Wayne Rooney was supposed to prove to the world that he does not "hate" rice, descended into farce earlier today in Valencia, Spain.
In front of a throng of reporters and photographers from around the world at the Odio Arroz press centre a smiling Sir Alex Ferguson presented Rooney with a delicious plate of Paella.
A sullen looking Rooney gingerly lifted a small forkful of rice to his mouth and stated to eat, only to theatrically split the food out shouting "You can fuck off I'm not eating that shite". A Red faced Ferguson visibly shaking with rage was heard to his through gritted teeth "eat the fookin rice you little fooker and then we can all go home".
At this point, with the cameras of the assembled press greedily gathering embarrassing images for the world's media, the Manchester United communications guru Max Stifford stepped in and claimed that Rooney was unwell and needed medical treatment for a stomach upset. "Is it not the four one defeat that has upset him" shouted a hack from the Daily Scum to a chorus of laughter from his gin sozzled brethren of the gutter press.
In complete contrast I rose calmly from my seat to my full six foot three and said, "Shaworth from The Spoof of London. Is it not the importance of the far eastern market to the shareholders that prompted that pathetic ill conceived excuse of a publicity stunt?" Unfortunately Max and I go back a long way and recognising a dangerous old adversary he quickly brought the press conference to an end to a chorus of boos.
We shall see if Rooney recovers in time for the next match against Wigan (a small mining village near St Helens) on Wednesday where the staple food is the pie, as immortalised in the saying...
Q. How can you tell when a Wigan lass is having an orgasm?
A. She drops her pie.