Written by matwil
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Sunday, 15 March 2009

image for Black armbands worn by BBC Scotland sports presenters
'Those bear neccessities of winning cups won't belong to you'

After Celtic's victory in the Scottish League Cup Final against arch-rivals Rangers, BBC Scotland presenters were today wearing black armbands, in a fitting tribute to the tragedy.

Speaking from Glasgow, presenter Dougie Boynolly said: 'We are interrupting our regular schedule of programmes today, in memorial of the terrible news from Hampden. Our thoughts are also with the players' families and children, and we wish them well in their suffering.'

And former presenter Arthur Knoxford added: 'Disaster! I know words are hardly adequate at such a devastating time, but our thoughts go out to the Rangers supporters. No-one knows what such a thing is like unless they've been through it themselves, and I was in Glasgow in 1982.'

And Rangers fan club chairman, the Reverend Archie McParting, had this to say about the tragic news. 'Tragic', he said, 'tragically tragical, in a most unmagical tragedy of comedies. But I have to say in that pompous way I always say things that regretfully I saw some people laughing at this most tragedic of tragically, epical, classical, bombastical, ecclestiastical tragedies, the worst disaster since I visited a barber's in the Gallowgate in 1976, and the barber unfortunately missed my hair and cut my throat by mistake. I've never had a hair cut since.'

BBC Scotland's head of sport Chuck Pong also made a statement about the sad news. 'It's so awful I can't even bear to claim to being a St. Mirren supporter today. Gutted, annihilated, poleaxed, gobsmacked, hyperboled into a manic depressive mood of total and completely and utterly devastating devastated devastation. I still have my armband from when Rangers lost the final in May in Manchester.'

But Rangers manager Sir Walking Bluenose didn't share the doom and gloom of the BBC staff. 'Look', he said, 'losing cup finals isn't that important, is it? I mean, some clubs might think 'it IS that important, you're sacked!', but not at Ibrox.'

'It's more like a family business there, where we play at being a decent football team every week against the likes of Stenhousemuir and Raith Rovers, but lose all the big games. But the bosses and the fans just pat me on the head and say 'never mind, sonny, you did your best. Shame your best is complete and utter shite, but don't worry about it.'

Elton John had already rewritten the lyrics of 'Candle In The Wind' today in tribute to the team, and here's an excerpt:

'Goodbye Walking Bluenose, though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to lose finals, while those around you won
Your team crawled out of Ibrox, and yelled 'The Billy Boys' in your ear
They set you on a downward slope, you wish you could change your name

And it seems to me, you managed your team
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to blame, when the press slated you
And I would have liked to admire the Teddy Bears, but I'm not a bluenose kid
Your players burned out long before, the final whistle blew ...'

Jock Wallace was seen knocking back a few half-and-a-halfs in Argyll Street at the news.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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