Written by Remi Moses
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Friday, 13 March 2009

image for Champions League Draw Shock
Head of communications William Gaillard. He likes corn on the cob.

To avoid any accusations of secrecy, the Champions League quarter and semi finals were drawn in secret today, away from the glare of the world's media, in a Portakabin on the edge of Lake Geneva, near that big fountain.

"We've done it a week early for a bit of a laugh," explained head of communications William Gaillard. "It isn't due to any bias - oh no, no, no, no, no" he went on, in the manner of the Churchill dog.

The quarter final draw has pitted all the English teams against each other, with the winners of each all English ie playing each other - meaning only one English side can make it to the final. "This means only one English side can be in the final," pointed out ITV's 'Handy' Andy Townsend, with his special big telly thing flashing excitedly behind him.

The draw in full :

Manchester United v Liverpool
Arsenal v Chelsea
Barcelona v .....zzz

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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