Following criticism that English clubs are dominating the Champions League, it has been announced that from the 2009/10 season, no English clubs will be allowed to qualify. Instead, a droplet of sweat will be harvested from each Premier League player, mixed together, centrifuged and the resulting 'essence of football' will be diluted with 100,000 litres of water in the Amsterdam Arena.
According to sound homeopathic principles, it is claimed that this representation will be enough, and even a homeopathic tincture will probably knock over a quality team like Sporting Lisbon.
"Je like homeopathy," shrugged Gallic maestro-in-chief Michel 'Michel' Platini, puffing on some Gauloises, gallicly. "Et Je n'aime pas le Premiership" he mused, pausing only to look at an existentialist artwork.