Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson surprised the footballing world today, when he announced he was actually from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, and not from Scotland.
'Aye, it's true, man', he said from his whippet club near Gateshead, 'Ah'm actually A Geordie. So gang and do us a favour and dinnae keep mekkin' oot that ah'm a Scot, like. Ah mean, I've noothin' against them Scots, ye kna', they're a bunch o' reet canny lads and lassies, but Ah just thought Ah'd put the record straight.'
Many were amazed at Ferguson's acting abilities, as for years he'd sounded like a down-and-out from Govan with a drink problem, and realised the endless practice the manager must have put in to perfect his mock Jock accent.
'See that Fergie', Govan's own philosopher Rab C. Nesbitt said, 'he isnae fae here, and he's no better than I am - and I'm shite! He's from Newkie Broon land, the bam! I knew it all along. I said to the wife, I said, 'Mary Doll, that Fergie isnae Scottish', and she said 'Ach, away and boil yer heid, ya great big streak of pish.' Aye, well, that's Scots for ye.'
And Ferguson himself added: 'Why aye, man, it's bin lake kinda toof, what with bein' from the North East and puttin' on a West Coast accent alla time, but Ah just had tae come clean, ye kna'. Ah hope nobody's bin oopset by my wee joke.'
And fellow Newcastle star Sir Jill Gascoigne added: 'Awa' the lads, ye should've seen us runnin', passing folks along the road, just where they was staundin', all the lads and lasses, smiles upon their faces, running down the Great Western Road, tae see the Ayrshire races.'