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Wednesday, 11 March 2009

image for Madrid team was not "Real" rages Platini
Dave Heswall celebrates contract

Real Madrid found themselves at the centre of a scandal that could rock European football to its very core. They are accused of fielding a team of lookie-likies against Liverpool in the second leg of their champions league clash at Anfield on Tuesday evening.

The accusation was made by UEFA chief Michel Platini who, when I interviewed him said "My suspicions were aroused by Liverpool winning five nil on aggregate. There is no way that Liverpool can beat Real Madrid by that margin.

"I phoned the manager at Manchester City Mark Hughes, the manager of Everton, David Moyes and the Middlesbrough boss, you know that bloke that missed the penalty in the world cup semi-final against Germany with the big teeth, and they all agreed. They said that Liverpool were rubbish and I was definitely onto something."

Platini looked almost Clouseau like as he went on to recount through a cloud of Gitanes smoke how he burst into the Madrid dressing room and found that some of the team could not even understand Spanish. He had no such problem in the Liverpool dressing room however.

According to Platini the Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos was actually on a modelling assignment in Miami during the second leg match. He was replaced by Forty six year old Dave Heswall from Runcorn, who wore his sister's wig with a piece of masking tape around his head in a futile attempt to impersonate Ramos. Ironically he was Madrid's best player on the night and has since been offered a three month contract with Crewe Alexandra.

"It's a dream come true really" said Dave celebrating in his modest ex council home overlooking the ICI plant in Runcorn. The people pretending to be the other Madrid players were really nice and I felt right at home. I thought I contained Torres pretty well in the first half and that penalty was a f***ing disgrace".

In response to the scandal Platini is threatening to bring in a quota system whereby at least four of the starting eleven players for any champions league team have to been registered on the club payroll for the previous two weeks as football players.

Alex Ferguson says Liverpool will come unstuck in the next round as he intends to field at least nine actual football players when the teams meet in the next round. The other two places may have to be filled by Cage Rage UFC sensation Wayne "feel the pain" Looney and international high board diver Christiano Ronaldo who took the silver for Portugal in the Beijing Olympics for his trademark triple forward summersault with shriek.

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