Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 11 March 2009

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These Things Ruin Lives

It has been reported that Jose Mourinho, head coach of Internazionale Milan, and formerly of Chelsea and Porto, spent last night locked in the toilet of his Cheshire hotel suite ahead of tonight's Champions League second leg knockout tie against Manchester United.

Hotel staff were baffled by the Portuguese's bizarre behaviour.

"He's locked himself in the toilet," chambermaid Allison Grunge told us. "He's been there all night. When I went into the suite this morning to change the sheets and restock the mini bar he was nowhere to be seen. However there was evidence, emanating from the bathroom area of extreme bowel activity. I knocked on the door and asked if he was okay and he grunted."

Bar patron, Jarbo the Killer, 32, from Lower Broughton, Salford, told us:

"He's shitting himself, right? He's been playing his usual mind games, saying he was the special one, implying that he was going to take over from Fergie at OT, playing games with Chelsea too, and it's all got too much for him. He knows Inter were outclassed in the first leg at the San Siro and he knows he's gonna have to eat a big slice of humble pie tonight."

We asked Jarbo the Killer for his thoughts on Liverpool and Chelsea's progression in the competition following excellent results last night.

He got intimidatingly close to this reporter and growled:

"Don't go there. Alright? Just do not go there."

More as we get it.

Mourinho was right to shit himself, United won as usual. Currently shitting themselves in a toilet near you: Rafa Benitez and Gus Hiding.

ESPECIALLY RAFA

See youse mugs on Saturday.

Bring it on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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