DALLAS - In a move that shocked not only Dallas Cowboy fans but NFL fans throughout the league The Dallas Cowboys have released wide receiver Terrell Owens.
When informed of the move Owens replied that there had to be some mistake and he was sure that it was not him but linebacker (Steve) Octavien who had been let go.
Owens was told that it was in fact him and he immediately launched into a tirade that was directed at everyone from owner Jerry Jones and quarterback Tony Romo to the hot dog vendors and even Jessica Simpson (Romo's girlfriend).
When asked to comment Cowboys owner Jerry Jones simply replied that the team had decided to go in a different direction.
He smiled and then added, "Y'all know me. And everyone knows that I do not mince words. I have always been a hands-on owner.
"You'll see me over in the concession booths making popcorn. You'll see me frying tamales-on-a-stick.
"I'm down on the field, pacing the sidelines. I'm in the trenches with my players, offering them cups of Gatorade, providing them with band-aids, and at times I have even been known to rub away leg cramps.
"No other owner does that. Hell several times last year, I even brought Tony (Romo) some nachos when our defense was on the field.
"On several occasions I have even driven the team bus.
"But enough about me. Y'all want to know about T.O. Well he's gone. I gave him his walking papers, or actually his running papers. And the last I heard he was up in Oklahoma somewhere, probably arguing with some IHOP waitress or getting into the face of a McDonald's fry cook."
Jones took a quick call and then said that he thought long and hard about releasing T.O. He remarked that everyone even Whoopi Goldberg knew that Owens was a controversial fire-starter.
He wanted the role of being the "Dallas Diva," but ladies and gentlemen, the Dallas Cowboys do not have or need a diva.
Jones remarked that there was no doubt that Owens was a fabulous player. He was simply outstanding. The man could probably even outrun an African gazelle.
But he was a very disruptive element from the very get go. Right away he complained about his parking space. He said that he wanted a nicer, more expensive helmet. So the Cowboy organization had one specially made for him in Italy.
All the Dallas players drink Orange Gatorade, but with Mr. "Connoisseur Tongue" Owens, the Cowboys had to special buy Mango-Kiwi-Pomegranate Gatorade, which cost 95 cents more per six-pack.
Jones disclosed that he could never get used to Terrell's idiotic touchdown celebrations. Yes, they were flamboyant and fan-pleasing, but it was all just pure unadulterated self-showmanship and it was extremely embarrassing.
Mr. Jones noted that T.O.'s excessive celebrating cost him tens of thousands of dollars in fines and penalities.
He confessed that he can positively say that he is not going to miss T.O.'s endzone theatrics one iota.
Jones cracked his knuckles, smiled, and said, "To quote an old commercial, 'Thank goodness that I have just gotten rid of Excedrin headache #81.'"
In a related story. Warner Brothers Pictures has just announced that they have signed Jessica Simpson to star in "Lip Sync - The Ashlee Simpson Story."