Written by matwil
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Wednesday, 4 March 2009

image for FA hire Pakistani police for Cup Final
Van for Pakistani police to climb into if trouble breaks out

The Football Association today announced they were hiring Pakistanis to police this year's Cup Final.

Chief executive George Worst said: 'We were so impressed with Pakistan's handling of a recent crisis involving a cricket team that we've decided to hire them for May's showpiece match. And even if the final is between two teams with traditionally violent and rival fans, such as Chelsea and Millwall, we have every confidence the Pakistanis will deal with the situation in a calm and organised way.'

Chief of police in Lahore, Mohammed Turna Blindi, said: 'If fans behave they have nothing to be concerned about. But if any trouble breaks out, we will use our experience and put our traditional crowd policing plan into action. Firstly we will turn our backs on the crowd and pretend we can't see what is happening, even if we receive advance warnings of problems from the FA.'

'Then after a few minutes we will leave the stadium, and climb into any parked vans that happen to be nearby. This will allow the crowd to inflict plenty of wounds on one another, but of course it won't be our fault if they do. Finally, we will say nothing about any problems, and just hope no-one will notice that we've actually secretly trained all the hooligans to fight each other. Yep, everything will go very nicely.'

But some football players weren't quite so happy about the Pakistanis policing the game, and one - England striker Peter Karach - said: 'Sounds a bit iffy to me, I mean shouldn't the Pakistani police do a bit more for the players' and the crowd's safety? Like, you know, actually trying to stop any trouble, making arrests, and taking people into custody?'

But Mr Blindi disagreed, saying 'Please do not try and teach your grandfather to suck cobra eggs. Since breaking away from India, Pakistan has had a long and peaceful history. It is nothing to do with our police if thousands of terrorists have learnt how to be invisible, and to build invisible training sites. Let's just hope that any trouble-makers at the Cup Final aren't also invisible - for your sakes.'

English football clubs were already fitting bulletproof windows and hiring bomb detection machines for their team buses, and buying satellite tracking systems to monitor people for miles around their stadiums. Sold to them by the police in Lahore, who have no need for them.

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