Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: nhl, phoenix, Ice Hockey

Friday, 27 February 2009

image for The Phoenix Coyotes Are Moving To Greenland
The hockey skates of Francois Scarborough who is known as "Captain Cross Check"

PHOENIX - The Phoenix Coyotes of the National Hockey League have announced that they will be moving north, way up north to Sukkertoppen, Greenland after the 2009 season.

Co-owners of the Coyotes Jerry Moyes and Wayne Gretzky are upset at the team's performance so far this year.

A reporter for The Phoenix Surveyor Sounder reminded them that 27-30 was not really such a horrible record.

Moyes said, that he knew that, but he stated that they should actually be at least 30-27, if not 37-20 or 40-17.

Moyes went on to say that he has had several meetings with team psychiatrist Dr. Mandolina Fontova and that part of the problem is the fact that since the majority of the players are from Canada or upper New England they are just not used to the equatorial heat in the desert city of Phoenix.

Dr. Fontova feels that since it is basically a matter of morale which is dictated by the issue of environmental comfort the best thing to do in order to make the players happy is to move the team to a place that has a much more frigid climate.

And the team owners feel that Sukkertoppen, Greenland with a year round average temperature of 9, as compared to Phoenix's 109 is just the answer.

Gretzky who is the owner and also the coach said that the team has just not showed any signs of focusing on winning because they are constantly sweating.

He said that he has even noticed that several players, including Coyotes all-star Francois Scarborough, are even sweating while they are showering.

Plus lately it seems like their main concern has been what size bra cup the Phoenix cheerleaders' wear.

Owner/coach Gretzky shook his head and said, "Hey I happen to know for a fact that each one of the 18 cheerleaders wears a C-cup bra. That's just one of our basic cheerleader requirements.

So what the hell are the players wasting their time trying to figure out the boob size of the gorgeously sexy Piccola Colquitt or the stunningly desirable Stormy Lucksinger or anyone of the other 16 babes."

He commented that the desert heat was even beginning to affect the Coyotes mascot. Recently, "Howler" has been acting extremely horny and putting his dirty popcorn stained paws on some of the cheerleaders.

Gretzky did want to let everyone know that cheerleaders Hetty Harding, 21, and Leah Gardenberry, 24, have both been convinced to immediately drop the molestation charges against "Howler."

Moyes added that "Howler" has been put on an administrative three-game suspension because of an incident two games ago when he bit a 73-year-old season ticket holder, Ocarina "Penalty Box" Boxowitz.

Co-owner Moyes stated that "Howler" tried to say that it was an accident. But the surveilance video has been viewed and reviewed and he personally has come to the conclusion that the bite was positively no accident.

The ten minute film clearly shows in frames 209 through 491 "Howler" picking up Mrs. Boxowitz' blue ghingham dress and biting her not once but four times on her upper left thigh.

Boxowitz was told that if she dropped the lawsuit her season ticket would be upgraded to an Executive Deluxe VIP status.

But Boxowitz' lawyer Nathan Amsterdam, of the Tucson law firm of Outridge, Outridge, and Amsterdam told Moyes that his client says thank you so much but that she believes that she would much rather have the tons and tons of ca$h instead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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