Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 26 February 2009

image for Jimmie Johnson Wins The Sombrero Grande Tequila 700
Rico Pico's "Mean Green Beetle" winner of last year's Taco Bell 600 in Mexicali, Mexico

CANCUN, Mexico - NASCAR's Jimmie Johnson in his #48 Chevrolet Impala has just won The 2009 Sombrero Grande Tequila 700.

The grueling race took place at The Yucatan Penisula International Speedway located down in Cancun, Quintana Roo, Mexico.

Over 400,000 race fans watched as Johnson from El Cajon, California, beat out last year's winner the highly popular home town muchacho Nacho Papaya.

Papaya had some serious windshield wiper problems with his #85 Kia Spectra and had to drop out towards the end of the race.

When asked what exactly happened Papaya, who speaks very broken English replied, "De car, numero ocho cinco chee no go too mucho fast like chee chood be going queeker dan dee udder how ju sey...cars go cos my windcheel weepers no wanna weep too how ju sey, many."

Papaya was asked if he planned to race in next month's Preparation H 400 at The Salma Hayek Baja California Speedway and Diet Jalapeno Ranch in Tijuana.

He took a sip of his Corona Light, smiled, put his carne guisada and broccoli taco down and said, "Let me see...how ju seyit...jes."

The director of The Yucatan Penisula International Speedway, Manolo Durango was asked by Ty Topsy, a writer for the NASCAR publication, Left, Left, Left if they had, had any more problems with drug cartels shooting out the race car tires like they did last year.

Durango responded by saying. "No, Mr. Topsy. Not since the Mexican Army caught two of the drug cartel snipers and immediately executed both of them down on the infield grass in front of 400,000 race fans and millions of NASCAR television viewers at home."

He then added, that the drug cartel folks tend to gravitate more towards bullfights, cockfights, dogfights, and burrofights.

Topsy then asked Durango if there had been any more incidents with drivers being bitten by iguanas?

"No."

"Well, have any drivers been bitten by tarantulas?"

"No."

"Okay, have any drivers been bitten by fighting bulls, burros, or Chihuahuas?"

"No. And hey dude. Let me ask you some questions now, okay?"

"Sure Mr. Durango, go right ahead."

"Okay Mr. Topsy, were any Super Bowl fans bitten by grizzly bears?"

"No."

"Were any basketball championship fans bitten by giraffes?"

"No."

"Were any world series fans bitten by dairy cows, shetland ponies, or egg-laying chickens."

"No. Okay. Okay. Mr. Durango You've made you point."

"Thank you Mr. Topsy, now get your racist ass the hell out of my country...before I have you arrested as an ILLEGAL ALIEN."

In a related story. Due to the salmonella outbreak north of the U.S.-Mexican border, the Tampico Speedway's Senor Peanut Butter 800 has been changed to The Anabolic Steroid 800.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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