Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Monday, 11 February 2002

image for Football Managers Take Heart
That's some intense sleeping

An extension to the recent studies of the effect of football matches upon heart rate and blood pressure of leading football managers has produced some surprising results.

"We found the phenomenon of increased cardio-vascular output was not limited to football managers," said Dr Donald Thrombosis, head of Sheffield Infirmary Increased Cardio-vascular Unit. "Instead it would seem to be a problem much more widespread through society."

In a unique experiment, Dr Thrombosis and his team monitored the physiology of a number of volunteers, comparing their vital signs during their working day.

"We found that heart rate generally increases as exertion increases. For example, one woman's heart rate almost doubled during a time she was running for a bus, and a male subject's blood pressure rocketed very briefly during orgasm."

But surprisingly, the highest anomaly in heart rate occurred in one subject who was sitting at home in his armchair.

"To be fair," explained Dr Thrombosis, "we did learn later that this subject was having a heart attack at the time, and so it was only natural that his heart rate was abnormal."

Dr Thrombosis's research has so far failed to explain increased moisture levels seen upon the skin during such periods of extra activity.

"Yes, most subjects reported a dampness to the skin when they exercised, and some noted heavy breathing, another largely unforeseen physical response."

And in response to claims from some quarters that his research was, in fact, research into the bloody obvious, particularly in the case of the football managers, Dr Thrombosis remained defiant. "They said that about my work in studying the physiology of death, yet my conclusions proved once and for all the finality of death.

Many folk have the comfort of closure thanks to that work. Hardly anyone embalms mummies any more, for example, and one never sees faithful dogs sleeping on their owner's graves like one used to."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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