Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 22 February 2009

image for Hull City Midfielder Jimmy Bullard To Become New Six Million Dollar Man
Bionic Bullard (artist's impression)

Hull City midfielder Jimmy Bullard, out for the rest of the season after an operation to repair a torn cartilage, is to undergo bionic surgery of the kind given to the legendary 1970s TV cult hero Steve Austin in the Six Million Dollar Man.

Bullard, the Five Million Pound Man, survived the procedure by Dr Richard Steadman last week, but when further ligament damage was discovered, a decision was taken by Tigers' chairman Paul Duffen to "rebuild him".

As well as a new leg, Bullard's right arm, his curly hair and left eye are replaced by "bionic" implants that will enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms: he will be able to run at speeds of 60 miles per hour (100 km/h), and his eye will have a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities.

Steadman, a world-renowned surgeon, who was a consultant for the original show, said:

"Jimmy Bullard, midfielder. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Jimmy Bullard will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

Aging former City carthorse Billy Whitehurst is being lined up for the same treatment, and should be ready for the start of next season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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