Written by tennisman
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Tuesday, 17 February 2009

image for Premier League To Expunge Old First Division Records
A modern fan goes mad searching an old Rothmans

Modern fans will breathe a sigh of relief today following the announcement that the Premier League is expunging all the records from the old First Division prior to the launch of the Premier League in 1992.

From next week, the high profile, high net worth and very, very important fan of today will no longer need to check back though dusty Rothman's Football Yearbooks nor have to endure tedious commentaries by those boring ex-players like Jimmy Armfield going on and on about Blackpool's team of the late 1960's (a side incidentally, dominated by the skill of Tony Craven later to become the well known presenter of the BBC's children's programme, 'Newsround'). Nope, none of that nostalgic hot air about the past will mean anything any more, because it just won't exist. The past is being cancelled.

This move has been coming for some time as Premier League power-brokers have been releasing a stream of far from complimentary comments about football in the old days lacking the breathtaking excitement of today's action packed matches and the irresistable luxury of modern stadia.

The Premier League deny working closely with the staff of the BBC's MOTD where some observers have noticed Gary 'Cheese and Onion for me' Linekar referring increasingly to statistics, facts and figures which 'go all the way back to when the game began in 1992'.

Mo Money the Premier League's Head of Hype was forthright, 'There is only one era of football that really matters - The life of the Premier League from its inception in 1992'. He went on, 'I mean football pre-Premier League was not really football was it? All those muddy pitches, full English breakfasts before training, awful working class fans paying such low prices, attrocious rest-rooms with no loo paper, absolutely no corporate entertainment, 2 miserable points for a win, no Playoffs and only 1 game televised every week! What a joke'

Assuring me that the Premier League was about to be awarded a prize set up by Richard Scudamore for the 'Best Premier League in World History', Money continued, 'We work on the basis that if you say something often enough, then you might even start to believe it yourself. The award? Oh, we'll win that hands down. After all, we are voting for ourselves.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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