'He can never be one of us'. Harsh words indeed. But when delivered by comedian and self-celebrated transvestite Eddie Izzard, then you better listen. Who was he referring too? None other than Manchester United's all-action Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez.
'I know he's into his fashion' said Izzard, while taking a break from a seminar on the integration of comedic transvestite themes into sporting settings. 'But there's just no way he can make it work. I sent him text when I saw that amazing white headband he wore during the Spurs Cup game. But what most fans didn't see was that he played the whole of the first half wearing a pair of Bally court shoes. I'd told him before 'Carlos, they just don't take a stud!'
It seems that Izzard is very respectful of those who have gone before, the Soccervestites as he calls them. But at the same time is worried about image. 'Don't get me wrong. Les Dawson did his best. He scrubbed up like a great gal. But the man had no teeth. I believe he was the allcomers Gurning Champion for the Ribblesdale Valley. And remember, as a ball playing wing half with Castleton Gabriels back in the 40's, Les always had trouble hitting the channels.
Izzard, a tough tackling centre half with the Doncaster Belles, where he delivers his stand up routine as the half time talk dressed in sling-backs, has Tevez's interests at heart. He continued, now very much on a roll, 'I think Carlos would have to aim higher than that. And I'm just not sure he could carry it off. Lord knows Beckham, the pioneer of the Soccervestites, had enough trouble with grass stains on his sarong. That Old Trafford pitch can cut up you know. I've told the little fella forget it: to hang out with his Liverpool Argie chum, Dimitri Maascarenas and make sure he gets a good manicure after every game.
Tevez was unavailable for comment preferring to spend the morning at Manchester's Arndale centre where Debenhams were offering 2 for 1 deals on all Elisabeth Arden products.