Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 10 February 2009

image for Arizona Cardinals To Change Colors
Downtown Phoenix during the Super Bowl game (photo courtesy of Sen. John McCain)

PHOENIX, Arizona - After almost pulling off a Super Bowl upset, the Arizona Cardinals are looking for ways to improve their team for next season.

The Cardinals who lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers 27-23 have fired their defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast.

Also fired was the Cardinal's team bus driver Harry 'Ketchup' Heinz.

The Cardinals have also fired nine of their cheerleaders for various reasons including, not cheering loud enough, not kicking up their heels high enough, and not shaking their booty enough.

Inside sources say that coach Ken Whisenhunt's job is safe and there are no plans to replace him.

Team owner Bill Bidwell was asked if he foresees any other changes that need to be made in order to improve next year's Cardinals.

Bidwell said that the remaining Cardinal cheerleaders are going to have to learn some new and better cheers. Their 'Go Cardinals Go, Fly, Fly, Fly, High in The Football Sky' has gotten kinda old.

He wants to hear some new cheers that include more modern words and phrases like libido, erogenous zones, and lascivious.

And he says that he will certainly be dropping that rule that strictly prohibits Cardinal cheerleaders from dating fans.

Another change is that the concession stands will no longer use Heinz Ketchup on the hot dogs, hamburgers, and French fries.

When asked why, Bidwell replied that the reason is because Heinz is based in Pittsburgh, which is of course home to the Steelers. The concession stands will only use Hunts Ketchup.

And a third change is that the team colors will no longer be Cardinal red and white. For the upcoming season the new Cardinal colors will be Royal blue and white.

When informed that there are no blue cardinals anywhere in existence, Bidwell grinned and said, that is my point. That is exactly, 100% my point.

Bidwell did add that he wants to dispel three rumors that he has been hearing since their Super Bowl loss.

1. He is not moving the Cardinals to Rome (Italy).
2. He is not changing their name to the Bishops.
3. He did not father Nadya Suleman's 8 babies.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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