Written by Grove
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Topics: Basketball, Detroit

Friday, 18 June 2004

image for A Furious David Stern says NBA to Punish Team Play, Make Basketball More Fun
Stern and the now infamous chair

In the wake of Detroit Pistons team effort Championship win, NBA Commissioner David Stern has announced plans to reinvigorate the once vibrant league.

"Things have to change", Stern told the assembled press while standing behind a chair (pictured). "Sure, I want to say ‘good job' to the Pistons but if you think about it they've been cheating all year. They work as a team and gang up on opposition players."

"Starting next season, such tactics will be discouraged. Any basket judged to be a result of ‘team play' will be awarded just one point. To counterbalance this, any flashy baskets like when Shaq faints to go one way, then the other and them slam dunks it really hard, will be worth five points. I like that 360 degrees spinning thing too. I might make that worth six points. Or maybe seven."

"What I will say is we can't have teams like the Pistons winning the Championship again. Wallace is their star player and he only ever scores about a point every other game. That's just rubbish."

The gathered press were unreceptive to Stern's plans but he fought back. "Not fair? Not fair? You tell me if it's fair that players like Shaq and Kobe Bryant aren't allowed to win the Championship just because the other team are trying twice as hard? Well? Is it? You people make me sick!"

There was a brief hiatus as Mr. Stern attempted to calm himself, leaning on the chair as he drew deep breaths and counted to ten. "Well? Is that fair? You tell me!" He hadn't calmed down at all. If anything, the time spent leaning on the chair had doubled the Commissioner's fury.

There was a suggestion from the now hostile press that you can't legislate for someone like Ben Wallace. "We'll see about that", he roared. "Have you ever heard of a little book called The Bible? Yeah? Well in that book there's the story of Samson and Delilah and I can't remember exactly how it goes but I know they cut his hair off and then after that he's not as good as he was. You see what I'm getting at? I say ‘The Fro Must Go', I've had t-shirts made and everything. We could have him shave it all off live at the Draft! I've only just thought of that. Quick, someone write that down."

"And if that doesn't work then we'll probably make him play with both hands tied behind his back, or in really heavy shoes or something, then we'll see how good he is."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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