Written by Onionuttapam
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Friday, 6 February 2009

Olympic champion swimmer Michael Phelps admitted to "regrettable behavior" and apologized for it after a picture surfaced in a British tabloid allegedly showing him smoking marijuana at a party.

The News of the World published a photo this weekend of a man with a ball cap pulled backwards taking a hit from a bong, claiming it was Phelps. The picture was reportedly from a November house party near the University Of South Carolina.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement" Phelps said in a statement to the Associated Press.

"I apologize for trying to relax and enjoy myself partaking a substance that's almost harmless - at least a lot more harmless than alcohol or tobacco - after working my ass off for most of the year, putting myself through hell making my body do things that most bodies are not built to do."

"I'm sorry for not realizing that though its none of your goddamned business how I choose to relax, you morons believe you have right to feel outraged at my behavior because you are too stupid to know that marijuana is not a performance-enhancing drug or realize that there is not a shred of evidence to prove that smoking pot has any negative health effects."

"I was under the impression that by winning record number of gold medals at the Olympics, I must have proved beyond any shadow of doubt that weed doesn't damage your health in any way. I demonstrated bad judgement in believing that you will consider my remarkable athleticism and success in winning fourteen gold medals, despite smoking pot, as more valid proof of harmlessness of marijuana than the propaganda by the establishment to the contrary. I'm sorry for that."

"I apologize for engaging in behavior that almost half of you have engaged in at some point of time in your life and am sorry for giving you an opportunity to gloat in hypocritical self-righteousness."

"I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. I'm sorry for failing to realize the importance of acting in media-approved, socially-accepted appropriate ways, despite innumerable evidence that acting in "youthful and inappropriate ways' has not made an iota of a dent in the careers of thousands of successful politicians, businessmen, scientists, rock stars, painters, Pulitzer prize winners, actors, filmmakers or supreme court judges who have confessed to smoked pot."

"For all of this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again. I promise that in future, I will behave giving full weight to your idiocy, misconceptions, biases and prejudices."

"To all my fans who have supported and sympathized with me, I apologize for not having the balls to stand up for my beliefs. I'm sorry that I lack the guts to face the crucifixion at the hands of tyrannical drug czars, hypocritical politicians, duplicitous sports administrators, fickle-minded sponsors, moronic media moghuls and mercenary medical mafia. After all, I'm just a swimmer, not Jesus."

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