DETROIT, Michigan - The Detroit Lions organization has announced that due to the teams dismal (0-16) record, which is the worst in the history of the NFL, they have decided to slash the ticket prices for the 2009-2010 season.
Lions Executive Senior Director of Ticketing, Carlton Coinbaum, told ESPN that the board of directors voted unanimously (18-0) to reduce the ticket prices in hopes of drawing back some of the Lions' fans.
So they have decided that a package of season tickets for all eight Lions homes games, which last year was selling for $1,100 will be reduced to $36. Yes, that is not a misprint; $36!
The Lions organization has also announced that every food concession item will also be greatly reduced. They said that hot dogs will sell for 9 cents. A bag of peanuts will cost 4 cents, and a bottle of beer will sell for 23 cents. Game programs will be free, as well as parking, and bottled water.
Giuseppe Vermicelli, an unemployed auto worker, and Lions fan for over 10 years said that he was the first in line to get 2009-2010 tickets.
He was thrilled as he said that he paid $252 for seven season tickets; two for him and his wife, three for their kids, one for his ex-wife, and one for his wife's ex-husband.
When asked why he would buy a season's ticket for his ex-wife Vermicelli said, "Hey, I ain't one to be vindictive, yeah, it's true the bitch ran around on me with her boss, but two weeks after I divorced her ass, he dumped her for another one of his employees who was prettier, slimmer, smarter, sexier, and who didn't have such a heavy Pakistani accent."
And as for his wife's ex-husband, Vermicelli remarked, "Well I kinda like this Alejandro fella, we both hate the New England Patriots, Bill O'Reilly, and that dude Howie Mandel and his TV carnival sideshow "Deal or No Deal."
Another ploy that the Detroit Lions organization is using will be cheerleaders. The Lions are probably the only team in the NFL who do not have cheerleaders. So the Lions organization has decided that they will be adding a squad of 20 cheerleaders for the coming season.
The Lions organization has hired Rikki Marconi, 31, an ex-pole dancer from Yonkers, New York to be the director of the Detroit Lions cheerleading squad, which will be known as The Lady Lions.
Marconi said that she has personally designed the outfits that "The Pride of The Lions" the Lady Lions will be wearing.
She said that the blue shorts will be very short, and even skimpier than the white spandex short shorts that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders wear.
She added that the white top will be a very skimpy bikini swminsuit type top that will expose up to 90% of each girl's breasts. Marconi added that the requirements to be a Lady Lion are going to be very strict.
When asked to elaborate, she said that the girls must be between 18 and 22, single, at least 5 foot 7, beautiful (8.5's to 10's) slim and trim, with a high school diploma or at least a GED.
And she has decided that the girls must be at least a C-Cup. Marconi said that her first husband was a pimp, so she knows exactly what it is that men like to see in a young woman.
When Marconi noticed that the reporter's face turned red, she smiled and remarked, "And no it's not the obvious answer which is 'a young man.'
In related news. To further show how strongly devoted the Detroit Lion's organization is to bringing back their fans, they have made arrangements with Chris Ruth's Steak House to provide a free lunch on the day of each home game for all Ford Field parking lot tailgaters.