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Sunday, 1 February 2009

image for Ronaldo receives Victoria Cross
Victoria crosses, but Jesus saves on the rebound

Cristiano Ronaldo became the first foreigner to receive the Victoria Cross, for bravery beyond the course of duty around the penalty box in England. The Portugese striker has shown incredible courage, and in one battle against Aston Villa he was felled eight times, but only received two direct free kicks from the referee.

'Mek no mistake', his commanding officer Sir Alexander Ferguson said, 'the boy done good. Without his actions we'd only mebbe have got one penalty a game at home. And to show how tough he is, he recovers from his wounds very quickly, usually in about ten seconds.'

The star himself was modest about the award. 'I could no done it without Sir Alex. He say - Cristian, you're an overpaid egomaniac, that looks like a girl and plays like one. Get back to diving-just-inside-the-box lessons, ya dago!' I not know what dago is, maybe is like Prince Paki's Harry, yes?'

The Victoria Cross is rarely given, though no fewer than 17 were awarded to Liverpool fans at the Battle of Heysel, after they managed to defeat the combined Italian and Belgian forces, despite being outnumbered by four to one.

Diego Maradona's VC is in the post.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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