President Barack Obama, until now the darling of the American public and as apple pie as a Bee Gees singer, was today arrested by Humberside police for what they called 'mindless hooliganism on an awesome scale', at the Hull City versus Millwall FA Cup match on Saturday.
After his inauguration speech a few days ago, Mr. Obama flew over to England in a specially hired jet, 'Casual One', and quickly headed for East London to get together what one witness called 'a team of nutters to sort out the Yorkie Bars once and for all', and headed north for the Cup tie. At first the President was quiet, and merely smiled and waved at anyone who knew him, and waffled about women's rights and skin pigmentation, but then things changed as Hull took the lead.
As the home fans celebrated, Obama ripped his seat off its hinges and hurled it at riot police, shouting 'Who are ya? Who are ya?', then led his fellow Lions fans in a violent attack on the police, who quickly had to retreat.
And after that it descended into one of the worst scenes of hooliganism since the 1980s, as the President and his friends fought with City fans and local police, and then ran on to the pitch to try and have the game stopped. Mr. Obama even managed to hit the referee in the face with a specially-sharpened coin, and other Millwall fans threw golfballs at the ground staff, ones with carefully-drawn skulls and crossbones on them.
According to the President's lawyer, Cherie Blair QC, the American had 'had a rather stressful week, what with being elected 44th Prez of the USA and having to act like a dirt-poor recently-freed slave, who's never had a university education or lots of money.'
'And so the stress drove him to turn into a violent, racist, Millwall skinhead, and made him try and destroy Hull City's ground, and try and destroy the city of Hull itself. Throwing coins and golf balls was merely due to a lifetime of racial prejudice, and his mother being oppressed by emigrating to the richest country in the world. He shall be pleading not guilty to the charges of affray and violent disorder. And -'
But another Millwall fan, Ms. Hillary 'Bovver girl' Clinton, said: 'We gave them Yorkies a right doing! We're the pride of London, mate, and don't you forget it! And Barack showed everyone he's not the harmless sap mummy's boy you all thought he was. We'll spring him on bail, then it's off to Scunthorpe to trash the dump!'
English police forces will be on special alert for this weekend's matches, in case the notorious trouble-makers Al 'Bore' Gore or Jimmy 'Nobelly' Carter are spotted trying to get into any grounds.