Twickenham - The World Final Super Bowl XLIII Tickets (Raymond Jones Stadium, Tampa, Fl. - Feb. 1, 2009) are not selling well outside the US. So publishers Blume & Bialistock have decided to issue a simple explanation of the game for those who "don't have it thrust down their throats from the cradle and then pretend they know what is happening."
According to Martin Johnson - a spokesperson for Blume & Bialistock "'Superbowl for Dummies' explains it all."
"It is basically a big TV scam to get loads of people to sit for hours, swigging Budweiser and Miller Late, eating couch potatoes and then be subjected to incessant advertising and statistical abuse."
Johnson explains, two teams of 80 egocentric, show-offs mess around with a funny shaped ball, stopping every 15 seconds to decide what happened (if anything) or to allow time for another advert to be shown. They are dressed in loads of padding just in case they get hurt (most of all their egos) which would invite class action from hard up legal firms.
Several men wearing test-cards run about blowing whistles and waving arms and generally performing to the crowd, rather like clowns at a bullfight, but their real purpose is to ensure that the TV cameramen remain alert and in focus.
Roughly halfway though, the pitch will silently part and a stage will miraculously rise from beneath. Then several has-been performers will give bad renditions of old songs to give everyone the chance to go and piss away the first 2 quarters worth of beer. If the song isn't going down too well they may even stoop to a 'Nip-shot', which will have the TV experts talking about nothing else for days and ensures that everyone who has dozed off is alert for another 3 hours of the same.
"It is not really a game," said Martin, "Not like Rugby Union! The time is right for Ben Foden to step up into the England fold."