Mega rich yet mega crap football club, Manchester City have launched an audacious £100 million bid for Brazilian midfielder cum striker cum kebab salesman Kaka, from AC Milan.
City, for so long in the shadow of neighbours United, are determined to assemble a Premiership winning team, no matter the cost.
Insiders described the move as a gimmick.
"City are a joke," one said. "They're like an envious little brother. They want people to think that they're bigger than United. Their fans even try to tell lifelong United fans that 'proper' Mancunians all support City, which is just bollix."
"They could have the equivalent of the 1970 Brazil squad," said another insider. "With Pele and Rivelinho and Jairzinho and that, but they'd still be shite."
From across town, Sir Alex Ferguson laughed up his sleeve and struggled to keep a straight face as he announced:
"Ye cannae polish a turd."
More as we get it