ESPN, June 14, 2004. Game 5 of the NBA Championships, scheduled for Tuesday night, has been indefinitely postponed. The LA Lakers, unable to play, have been bussed to an undisclosed location where they are being treated for Emotional Discombobulation (ED). Volunteer counsellors from Dysfunctional Players Anonymous (DPA) have been flown in from Buffalo, NY, bringing wings and kielbasa since they are expecting to be there awhile.
Kobe Bryant, strapped to a steel hand truck, was last seen being loaded into a black Hummer. Shaquille O'Neal, still shouting, "Give me the ball you a-hole," had to be restrained by the entire University of Nebraska football team. Laker management asked rabid fans Jack Nicholson and the Stepford wives to join in the counselling, hoping that they will bring some rationality.
California Gov. Schwarzenegger quickly introduced legislation naming O'Neal player of the game for last night, hoping to ease some of the tension.
Circulating rumors suggest that Phil Jackson, winner of nine championships, may be replaced on the bench by the Dali Lama for the next game, whenever that may be.