Sir Alex Ferguson today launched an astonishing riposte to Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez's tirade regarding alleged football authority pro Manchester United bias.
The master of sporting psychological warfare declared:
"Benitez? I'll fight him in the car park if he's got the bottle. Furthermore, I'll fight him in the Anfield car park if he likes, so he can't accuse me of having home advantage. I'll give the cheeky Spanish fecker a proper kicking on his own shitheap. Just like my teams give his teams a proper kicking on a regular basis."
Rafa Benitez responded by commenting:
"Senor Ferguson is losing it. I am Spanish. We have no predilection for wanton violence. We like siestas and family evenings out on a Friday, (like the vast majority of Scousers) with paella, and sometimes Senors Hicks and Gillet who no really get along very good. I no want to fight da Fergie. He bad Glaswegian man like Billy Connolly. My team do the talking on the pitch."
Which in fairness they did, by way of an extremely nervous goalless away draw at Premiership giants Stoke City.
Manchester United meanwhile entertain Chelsea, extending a particularly warm welcome to John Terry, who went inexplicably legless in Moscow in May, handing United the Champion's League trophy for the third time in their history.
"Psychological battle?" smirked Sir Alex, referring to the Liverpool manager. "Don't take the fucking pish. The guy's an idiot."
"Like that love it love it bloke. (Kevin Keegan was it? We forget.) Losers." he added.
For good measure.
Rafa Benitez went on to say that he was merely stating facts.
He was last seen emerging from Tesco carrying 360 rolls of industrial strength toilet paper.
Sir Alex Ferguson was last seen complaining to ambulance personnel that Cristiano Ronaldo didn't receive adequate medical attention as he writhed in agony after trashing a £200,000 Ferrari and emerging unscathed.
Ryan Giggs told us that:
"Yes, I am losing my hair a bit but I don't expect it to affect our Premiership campaign. I just hope I don't go as baldy as Sir Bobby Charlton."
Russell Brand promised not to mention Manuelgate.
More as we get it.